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Book and Arts Review

...WAITING FOR BUGODOT

Series: Buharism and the Fierce Urgency of Now


THE SCARECROW AND HIS 100 DAYS OF SIDDON LOOK:

 

It was in the season before the day of reckoning

when the two parrots in the savanna ochard

began firing their salvoes, fussilade and cannonade simultaneously

in a pulsating rythm as if under the influence of a wicked medium

forcing every creature on the farm out of their sleep

and commanding them that the dreaded-evil sheriff and the potentate of the orchard

wanted every animal without exception

to assemble at the courtyard

and testify to the abundant and the good life they had each been a beneficiary of

since Rehoboam ascended the Davidic throne of the ancient Israel and Judah,

But warning them never to speak about the yawing chasm

he had put between Israel and Judah:

Then came the timid old pig grunting about the king outlawing

any form of muddiness in the orchard

And then the seven bull dogs to woo! Woo-woo!

And the doves to coo endlessly - Manogugu coo-coo...manogugu coo-coo!

And the sparrow entered to twi, twi...twi-twi..twi-twi-twi;

The canary to chiro-chiro...chirororororororro;

The weaver bird to krikri...krikri- krikrikrikrikriii;

And the cow to mooo - mooo! Mooooooo!

The cock to cock a doodle doo;

the cat to meow! Meow!

the goat to mmeee-eh, mmeee-eh!

the owl to hoo, hoo;

And the 1960 Bedford to tut, tut, tutu-u-u!

All for his 100 days in office

But the town crier when ushered in

defied the so-called sheriff who to him, is nothing

other than a bloody tyrant;

a despot with indescribable despotism;

a sanguinary viper who delights in bloodbath

and revels in human miseries,

just the same old monster on the throne

scaring everyone underneath his ebony desk

mistaken theocracy for democracy;

deceptocracy for the truth,

propagandocracy for liberalism,

wayocracy for free speech,

jibitocracy for consultation,

wahalaocracy for rule of law,

katakataocracy for peaceful resolution;

a scarecrow presiding over a Scarecrow Government

that has purposed to fool the governed by propalieda

and propascareda.

And turning to the two noisy parrots in the orchard:

PARROT NUMBER 1:

A very strong warning to you -

And to PARROT NUMBER TWO, he asked very furiously:

Parrot Number Two, "Do you know me?"

I'm the Dimaranga of the rainforest and I hunt men and women

at a time their lives are sweetest to them;

I'm warning you and I'm watching you at the same time from my OBSERVATORY,

Warning all of you together with your evil sheriff.

And from my OBSERVATORY keeping an eye on all the vampires,

worms and vultures,

caterpillars and palmerworms,

locusts and cankerworms, not better than the other worms,

and vultures, locust and cankerworms,

caterpillars and palmerworms,

And I adjuge you the worst for your hypocrisy,

your resort to self-righteousness, puritanism and pharisaism

knowing you therefore, for who you are,

and for what you are, O king Rehoboam:

Shall I then like the other citizens of greater gullibility

give you the thumbs-up on your 100 wasted days;

one hundred days of sorrow and tears;

one hundred days of fear and witch-hunting;

one hundred days of pain, complaining and murmuring;

one hundred days of do-nothingness;

one hundred days of playing politics with the Chibok girls still in captivity;

one hundred days of taking the country for a ride;

one hundred days of taking Nigerians for fools;

one hundred days of dividing Nigerians into North and South,

Christians and Muslims,

my people and your people,

the North and other Nigerians,

Arewa and Abeeds,

Muslims and kafirs,

Kichen Cabinet and Noise Making Cabinet,

Inner circle and outsiders of the inner circle,

ruling house and the house of slaves,

victors and the vanquished,

the free and slaves,

All talk and no action;

all motion and no movement;

of tyranny and despotism;

of not knowing what to call a house wife;

whether First Lady or the the wife of the President;

wife of a despot or a dictator;

and since they don't know how to call one of these fragrance cohorts,

let them know she is just a HOUSE WIFE!

One hundred days of buck-passing;

one hundred days of wahala;

one hundred days of katakata;

one hundred days of trouble;

one hundred days of coup plottings;

one hundred days of position sharing;

one hundred days of globe-trotting;

one hundred of joblessness;

one hundred days of animosity;

one hundred days of taking the people for granted;

one hundred days of deceiving and lying to the Nigerian voters;

one hundred days of nepotism;

tribal jingoism, religiosity,

islamism, ethnicity, favouritism and corruption;

one hundred days of nervousness;

one hundred days of no laughter;

one hundred days of joy stealing;

one hundred days of destiny changing;

one hundred days of abuse of office;

one hundred days of treating Nigerians

South of the Niger like slaves in their own country;

one hundred days of arrogance and impunity;

one hundred days of blood-letting and kidnappings;

one hundred days of Boko Haram turning Nigeria to a Field of Blood;

one hundred days of Boko Haram under a General;

one hundred days of broken promises;

one hundred days of shattered dreams;

of purposeless malignity;

one hundred days of visionlessness;

one hundred days of folly and fawning;

one hundred days of despicability and confusion;

one hundred days of destitution of ideas;

one hundred days of indolence;

one hundred days of the reign of a sluggard;

one hundred days of the reign of cows;

one hundred days of the reign of brainlessness;

one hundred days of anxieties;

of plotting;

chicanery;

satanism;

teamlessness;

blasted hopes;

hopelessness;

one hundred days of a nation being without hope;

one hundred days of neofeudalism;

one hundred days of imprisonment;

one hundred days of suspense;

one hundred days of losing the plot;

one hundred days without reasoning;

one hundred days of desertification;

one hundred days of senility;

one hundred days of insensitivity;

one hundred days of the silent sentinel;

one hundred days of Area Fathers and Area Boys in Government;

one hundred days of theocracy and arabism;

one hundred days of orientalism;

of westernism and neocolonialism;

one hundred days of the reign of the cat and dog;

one hundred days of remorse;

one hundred days of excuses upon excuses;

one hundred days of one-man Government;

one hundred days of exhuming primordial prejudices;

one hundred days in captivity;

one hundred days in Gethsemane;

one hundred days of the Red Sea refusing to part;

one hundred days of the reign of Rehoboam;

one hundred days of idiocy and ignominy;

one hundred days of hunger;

one hundred days of conspiracy;

coups and counter coups;

one hundred days without water;

of hospitals remaining as mere "consulting clinic";

of crater-ridden high ways;

of not knowing whether to remove oil subsidy or not;

one hundred days of blackout;

one hundred days of argument and in-house fighting;

one hundred days of backwardness;

one hundred days of not having any known Government policy;

one hundred days without a blueprint;

one hundred days of the ship of State buffeting

against the high current of the Atlantic;

one hundred days without a clear sense of direction;

one hundred days of purposelessness;

of treachery;

of making Jonathan and PDP the whipping boy;

one hundred days of cruelty;

of stagnation;

one hundred days of jihadi project on the Benue Plateau;

one days of GO SLOW;

one hundred days of the Snail in Government;

one hundred days of the reign of tortoise;

one hundred days of watching goats eat grass and cattle grazing;

one hundred days of plotting to islamise a secular State;

one hundred days of more territories taken;

one hundred days of laying landmines on the Nigerian roads;

and planting IED;

one hundred days of digging graves and burying dreams,

visions, destinies, aspirations of young people and those of other Nigerians;

one hundred days of halting "Sourtherners mad rush" for education;

of demolishing and dismantling national institutions and dissolution of Boards;

one hundred days of cancelling development projects in the South;

one hundred days of plotting how to share the nation's oil blocks;

and redistribute the national wealth in favour of the North;

one hundred days of impoverishing Nigerians;

of cornering resources to the North and putting Arewa apologists in strategic and sensitive positions;

one hundred days of plotting the total islamification of Nigeria and introduction of full Sharia all over Nigeria;

one hundred days of scaring away those who labour to grow the fodder for the donkeys;

one hundred days of exploiting our diversity instead of celebrating it;

one hundred days of attacking opponents and hounding perceived foes;

one hundred days of pedestrianism, feudalism and vendetta;

one hundred days of the worst economic performance;

one hundred days of a free fall in the price of oil;

with Siddon Look President not having a clue as to what to do;

one hundred days of studying the hand over note;

one hundred days of economy abandonment;

one hundred days of hopping from one country to another;

one hundred days of discussing with the wrong people from the Federal Corruptiontariat;

who coach the "Noise Makers" how to take "small-smal" and cover up;

one hundred days of dividing the armed forces and the police into:

Arewa officers.

Nyamirin officers,

Oodua officers,

and Niger Delta officers;

one hundred days of warning-warning;

one hundred days of "We" & "Them";

of divide and rule;

of collective amnesia;

one hundred days of denying and recanting promises;

one hundred days of party amnesia;

one hundred days of national amnesia;

one hundred days of Jonathan bashing;

one hundred days of not knowing the party is no longer in Opposition;

one hundred days of fighting dirty;

one hundred days of inability to figure out the art and science of governance;

one hundred days of driving the national molue without a driving licence;

one hundred days of being on the road to no where without knowing how to drive;

one hundred days of being a danger to other road users;

one hundred days of road rage?

And in the season when BAT switched off the fountain of ideas,

Muhammadu Buhari went blank and dry

And shipwrecked the ship of State.